March 25th, 2007 Grief

Good grief Charlie Brown. Grief – the subject no one wants to talk about. Right now I bet some of you have already stopped reading. Grief is a very lonely thing, maybe part of the reason is because we don't talk about it. We are all touched by it, it's hard to avoid. You've probably lost someone, maybe a grandparent, a friend, a co-worker. When I am grieving I turn to books, to try to find answers. It's a constant surprise to see in print, the very thoughts I am having.

The library has books on grief for a variety of situations, such as miscarriage, the loss of a child, a spouse, a parent. There are books on how to help children and teens to deal with grief and books on pet grief. Here are some titles we carry that may help you.

I Will Remember You by Laura Dower is a grief guidebook for teens. There is a chapter on remembering. It gives suggestions such as starting a grief journal, creating a memorial web page, visiting the family, and sharing memories with other mourners via online chat. If you know a grieving teenager please tell them about this book, or as a parent you might want to read it, to help your teen.

The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion is the story of a personal encounter with grief. While her only child is suffering from septic shock and is on life support, her husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. What follows is the story of her daughter's recovery and the author dealing with the loss of her husband. You may be able to relate to things such as her reluctance to give her husband's clothing away. She doesn't want to do it because she believes he will need them when he comes back. Sometimes that belief is the one thought you hold on to and you think that if you can just make it through a year, then you should be rewarded by your loved one coming back.

Shortly before her death in 2004 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross completed the manuscript for On Grief And Grieving, co-written by David Kessler. Her first book, published 36 years before this, profoundly affected the ways that we think, when she introduced us to the five stages of dying. It is fitting that her final work should be about grief. The five stages of death fit seamlessly into the five stages of grief. In the afterword of this book it tells us – The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. If I was to write one thought about grief, that would have been it.

Healing A Friend's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas For Helping Someone You Love Through Loss by Alan D. Wolfelt. If you've ever had a close friend grieve for the loss of a loved one, this book is for you. It teaches us that the best way to help is to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on. It reminds us to be mindful of the anniversary of the death. Anniversaries and holidays such as Mother's Day or Father's Day are hard on those left behind. I think it's a good time to send a card or note, to let them know you are thinking about them. The book also gives suggestions such as taking over a favourite meal, going to a movie, a gift certificate from a spa, going for a drive, a weekend getaway or even watching the sunrise together. The sun is a symbol of life and renewal. No matter how small the gesture, it will be appreciated.

We know how we grieve for the loss of a pet, but does a pet grieve the loss of an animal companion. The Heart That Is Loved Never Forgets by Kaetheryn Walker, has a chapter on this subject. Surviving pets may exhibit symptoms of grief, such as changes in eating or sleeping habits or they may appear to be looking for the missing companion. Some may appear to be depressed and sometimes will pass away shortly afterwards, seemingly from a broken heart.

Dreams can help us heal after the death of a loved one. Grief Dreams by T.J. Wray has chapters on the four common types of grief dreams – visitation, message, reassurance and trauma. I believe there is a pattern to these dreams. In the beginning it can be very upsetting, to have dreams or nightmares about your loved one. But as time goes by, it's as if the dreams change and you come to appreciate the opportunity to spend time with the departed, in the only way you can. It becomes the visitation dream, which this book describes as both calming and consoling.

Midlife Orphan: Facing Life's Changes Now That Your Parents Are Gone by Jane Brooks. It doesn't matter how old we are, we never stop needing our parents. When your second parent passes away, you become an orphan. As the book describes it, it is the end of an era and makes you more aware of your own mortality. Relationships change and you might now find yourself the matriarch or patriarch of the family. If this sounds like you, perhaps this book can help. Losing a parent can be devastating at any age. I liken it to being a member of a special club, that no one wants to belong to. The only good thing I can see about it, is that maybe you in turn can help someone when they lose a parent. When my father died I attended a grief support group meeting. I never thought I could speak about something so personal in front of strangers. But I did and it lightened my heart. There are various grief support groups in town. If you need help, please contact one.

For articles on grief please visit the Virtual Collection on our website. There are various databases you can search such as the Health and Wellness Resource Center. The Virtual Collection is accessible 24 hours a day.

Never underestimate the power of a good laugh. Laughter has such a wonderful effect on the body. Why not take a break and lose yourself for a few hours in a funny movie or book. It is a welcome relief from grieving, if only for a short time. Woody Allen makes me laugh and he said it best when he said I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. The library carries some of the classic Woody Allen movies. I hope that the titles I've suggested are of assistance to you, and remember, be good to yourself.

Karen Craib is a Library Technician at the Thunder Bay Public Library.